This entry is not a thought or idea i'm putting forth to be adopted or critiqued. This is a window into my struggles. I'm not pretending i got the perfect perspective or that my views are correct, this is possibly my most bitter longest standing battle.I'm writing this for two reasons, to gain a new perspective on my own situation. Also maybe such a struggle will glorify God, because ultimately he'll be the solution.

In theory acceptance is super simple, it's just the acknowledgement of something. Ideally negative feeling will subside and just kinda go away.

Well I woke up today and among the intelligible sludge of pre-coffee thoughts was this nagging sense that i still haven't accepted my disability. It's a super annoying feeling of emotional dissonance, two things in opposition to each other. One is this hopeful excitement for all the future possibilities coupled with a waxing and waning stubbornness. The other is this acute sense of limitations defiantly looming all around me with all the authority of reality. The feeling is like the anticipation of daily being stuffed into a box that is obviously too small for me.

My aspirations for the future do not take into consideration the fact i am disabled, rather they reflect the hopes and ambitions of being a Duncan. The thought of adjusting them for the sake of realistic attainability is the most offensive and depressing thing i can put myself through. It feels alot like giving up something that should never be given up. It steals the will to try and hope for the future become petty and irrelevant.

The alternative is to fight the limitations! I've been doing this by default since i could crawl, this is what is natural for me. It used to be my only mode of living, then high school happened and then i started to get tired of the fight. People with the intent to see me succeed counsel me to make more attainable goals for my situation making the fight harder.

For the sake of ...something, i'll just tell you what the things are i'd like to accomplish. I really like to be a husband and a father. I wanna make enough to support my family and i'd like to go to seminary. I'd like to fulfill some kind of teaching role in the church, assuming i can actually teach. I'd like to win this debate i've been having with DMV for the last decade about whether or not i can drive (i can). At the moment i'm stuck on the part where I make money. :)

Having written all this out, i realize clarification of the situation was all i needed. I accept this challenge and i'm at peace with this. To truly accept something, you need the whole picture. Over time it gets distorted and broken making it necessary to fix it.


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